The Grinch
The Grinch was an evil, deranged and psychopathic Wookiee that tried, among other things to steal Life Day. Biography Early Life Born with a skin condition that turned him green, this little Wookiee spent most of his life scorned and maltreated by the ignorant walking carpets around him. In his teenage years he chose permanent exile over the jeers of his peers and found a cave on top of Mount Crumpet where he would spend most of his time moping around and nursing the deepest grudge against Wookiees and anything hairy and even against life in general. It was during his many nights alone talking to a tame flea he had found in his fur, that he hatched an evil scheme to wreak havoc on Wookiee-kind. He also really, really HATED Whos. Life Day You see the Wookiees and Whos were like hippies, hairy, unkempt and largely bohemian in their ways, only they had certain more occult aspects of culture. Every year or so for some time (we still don't know exactly when) the Wookiees and Whos would gather in great hordes and feast inside a star on bantha-pudding and rare indigestible beings in a disgusting celebration of wuss-Jedi feelings like love and life and compassion. Then they would do something he liked LEAST of all! Every Wookiee and Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, would start singing! And then they would do Mandalorian Relations. So, like any unbelievably awesome being should, the Grinch decided to rain on their parade. Mwahahaha! Plan to Steal Life Day .]] His plan was simple (especially cause he had a birth defect that meant his heart was severely underdeveloped, being two sizes to small). While all the Walking carpets and bug-eyed midgets of Kashyyyk slept, this masterfully malevolent dude would go to everyone's house and steal all of their weaponry rendering them helpless. He would then call all of the Jedi in the Galaxy over to partake in the feast. Then he would call all the Ewoks and everything else remotely cuddly or hairy. And then when at long last they all assembled together to enjoy... Ugh... Life Day, he would destroy the whole planet!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Preparation In preparation for his evil scheme the Grinch needed a Bantha to drag his sleigh. But since Bantha's were scarce, there were none to be found. Did that stop the Grinch? No. "If I can't find a Bantha, I'll make one instead!" So he took his dog Max, and got some black thread, and he tied Max in it to make him hairy. He was now ready. He flew all over the Galaxy, from Tatooine to Coruscant, from Kamino to Mustafar, from Hoth to Leia's bedroom, and gathered every device of evil torture and destruction he could find! He commissioned hordes of droid warriors and clones of all shape and colors (trends to be followed closely by later criminal masterminds) and built one big honkin' son-of-a-Wampa space ship to house 'em all. And he ordered a million trillion bazillion tons of pine scented air freshener to keep 'em all crisp and fresh and ready for the big day (and also to hide the smell, cause he neglected to build a state-of-the-Force latrine system) Now he was ready for Life Day Eve! Life Day Eve In his last act before the amazing assault on all of goodness and life, the Evil Grinch set about ridding every Wookiee and Who-house of any gadgets they had. The Wookiees, long known for their special relations with Frogs and trees, had no defenses against anything green, so they did not detect the Grinch, until at long last, the Grinch was ready for his assault. He was very EEEEEEEVILLLLL! The Life Day Massacre As the Wookiees awoke on Life Day they were met with a chill as the monstrous silhouette of the Grinch's forces looming over the Kashyyykan skies, blotting out the sun for what seemed to be the final time. Helpless Wookiee and Who warriors reached for their blasters only to find them gone replaced by notes from the Grinch saying, "I AM EEEEEEEEEVIIIILLLLL!!!!" The Grinch was about to wreak tremendous havoc when he met with one minor tactical blunder. While the Wookiees and Whos could not detect him, the Jedi sensed a disturbance in the Force (turns out his hair was green because of clinging midi-chlorians) and were there to meet him in full force. Enraged the Grinch turned his countless minions upon the Jedi and the other scum that aided them and thus began one of the bloodiest battles the Galaxy had ever known... Lasers to the left of them! Blasters in front of them! Pulse cannons all round them volleyed and thundered as the Jedi forces were steadily crushed and soon only lone Jedi with lightsabers twirling were left on the battle field surrounding the populace of Kashyyyk, as their only remaining line of defense. A much pleased Grinch stepped out into the open empty-handed and offered to kill all the Jedi on his own, with his bare hands tied behind his noggin. But just as they stepped forward, the Grinch stepped back, laughed heartily as he cried: "I lied! And now I have the strength of ten EEEEEEVILLLL Grinches, plus two!", and commanded his innumerable legions of Darkness to attack the Jedi, which they did most EEEEEEVILLLLY! And It All Goes Downhill From Here But then, suddenly some Wookiee child jumped out into the open and wrapped itself around the fake Santy Clauses' leg. The Grinch looked at the child and said,"What child? Know you no fear?" And the kid said, "Screw that, you have got to be just the most bad-assed goddamn awesome Wookiee ever, I'm dyeing my hair green tonight!" The Grinch, taken wholly aback, began to feel things he was hitherto unaccustomed to feeling: acceptance, appreciation, the adoration of a horde of loving fans. A smile grew across his face, and suddenly, just like that, he commanded all his forces to stop. Then he had his whole army dismantled and demobbed, underwent hormone treatment for his heart (they say it grew three sizes) and soon enough, he'd become a respected and well-adjusted member of the community. And to think we were about to make him a Darth for sheer awesomeness. What a jerk. But then he had a change of heart in his 70s because he wanted to become a Featured Sith recalled his army and wiped them out. Every Who down in Whoville, from the tall and the small, were dead now. All of them. For now... The Return of the Grinch Ok, so lets skip 70 years into the future. The Grinch is old, wizened, and his sex-symbol status all but forgotten. His heart was shrinking, his har was turning white, he was grumpy and needed a scapegoat. And to add to all this, the Sith would really welcome a return to his Jedi slaughtering ways. He was one push away from it so it was generally agreed that such a push must be provided. The Sith called on the most bad-ass Sith of them all....Darth Evil. They had her meet him at a party. Just as the old Wookiee had begun to cozy up to her and went to the bar to buy her some drinks, he turned around in dismay to watch her walk off with two Whos. This made the Grinch mad. The Grinch wanted revenge. He began his descent to the Dark Side. The first thing he did was stop all heart expanding medication. Ah...that felt better. Then he died his hair red, shaved the rest of his body and adopted a suitable evil laugh. Then he began he began a Kashyyyk-wide anti-Who smear campaign, with which he convinced the Wookiees that they hated the Whos, after all the Whos were stealing their womenwere in league with the devilhad middle partsinvented cocainewere corrupting their childrenwere corrupting their catswere inferioreating their brainswere drunk in the streetswere not team playersleft the toilet seat upate sardines with cherry jamwhored out to Ewokslooked weirdsmelled funnywore underweardanced to Spice Girls songs in the nude thought Wookiees were Ewoks. Soon there was widespread demand for the removal of the Whos. The Grinch volunteered himself which led him to Evil and helped keep good relations with the Wookiees too. He ordered all Whos be sent to him. The End of Whos With every Who in Whoville, no matter how small, gathered before him, the Grinch took a minute to savor the look of apprehension in their faces. The slowly and sweetly he told them, he could help them, for he had a wubbulous who changing machine that would turn every who into...a Wookiee! Could....could it be? Could their prosecutor really be their savior in disguise? The Whos dared to hope.... Which should tell you that above all Whos are morons. The Grinch packed them all into his machine that turned them into live ammunition which he sold to the rest of the Galaxy for profit. Having broken every ethical barrier conceivable, the Grinch could revel in his new found status as a Sith Lord, which was granted to him unanimously. However his supply of Whos dwindled and he thought to himself, could I be doing anything more to contribute to Galactic unhappiness. Yes! That will be explained later.... to the Dark Side.]] Category:Jerks Category:Males Category:Overall eviltude Category:People with weird hair Category:Sith Category:Walking carpets Category:Evil Category:Articles of Eviltude Category:Reasons planets are destroyed Category:Darthipedia Featured Sithspawn Category:Ways to die Category:Words of Doom Category:Forms of suicide Category:Forms of torture Category:Superweapons Category:Victims of Kyle Katarn